Please log in

Welcome to the Migraines and social life Forum

It is such a shame the way migraines already steal so much of our life, but I am noticing more and more the relationships that have been taken from me due to them. My best friend, who has always supported me when other friends didn’t, and defended me when other friends would criticize me or make me feel bad about being so sick all of the time (and she was always quick to point out in fights how she “was the only one who had always been there” recently shut me out and started just completely ignoring me without saying anything finally told me she decided to stop being my friend because of my migraines. Her words? “I am so sick of always worrying about you and your meds” And this is completely unjustified. She has NEVER worried about any of that, not even THOUGHT about it. It sickens me the way people handle this. That they act as though it “ruins” their life.. I understand that if EFFECTS their life being close to me and me going through this.. but I am certain that it ruins my life more than theirs. It is very, very hard to deal with a friend saying this and I needed somewhere to vent. I just don’t understand it sometimes…

I can’t relate to your story. Why do you call such people “friends”? I have NEVER lost any friend due to the migraine. And I have never got any criticism from friends. But maybe it depends on the definition of ‘friends’?

MELISSADWYER13, It’s sad to think that our friends don’t always understand what we’re going through. It can be very difficult for us because we seek and need their support and understanding and sometimes it’s just not there. Sometimes we can overwhelm those that love us. Let’s face it – we can be high needs friends.

Here are a few things I have learned throughout the years. They may or may not be helpful, but I hope something here might prove useful to you:

1. Time is on your side. Sometimes it takes a good friend or a spouse years, even decades to finally understand what you’re living through. This is okay. You can always be there for your friend even though right now she is not being a very good friend to you. Only you can decide if the friendship is worth all the work it is going to take to rebuild.

2. Remember that friendships need to be nurtured. Friendship, like communication, is a two way street. It may be that your friend is suffering worry overload and can’t handle it anymore. How can you help her with that? Have you had some time where the two of you were able to just kick back and have a good time regardless of your meds schedule etc? My own meds schedule was horrible for a long time, but I never made a big deal about it. My alarm went off, I took my meds without so much as a break in conversation, and we went on with life. As to the limitations you have because of your Migraines, maybe you need to set the stage for interaction. Pick a place you both enjoy and you can tolerate. Have some “best friend” time with her. Try to leave your Migraine situation in the background. Migraine is not WHO we are, it’s just something we live with. Let it be part of the background of you, not the definition of you.

3. Remember that, if she is really that good a friend, your Migraine situation probably HAS ruined her life as she sees it. It has taken away her best friend. All the good times she remembers are now gone. She has had something stolen from her too… something precious. The difference is that she can run from it and you can’t. Wouldn’t you run from Migraine if you could? The fact is, some people can’t deal well with health issues. Those with cancer lose most of their friends. Family stops coming around. People are afraid to be around them. They still love them, but just don’t know what to do or say. Being chronically ill with Migraine is not much different. Sometimes it’s actually worse, because we at least understand cancer. There are support groups and lots of information available. Migraine is not that way. When I was in Washington DC June 1, one of my partners was a breast cancer survivor. Her message to the legislative offices we visited was simple: Breast cancer was easy. Migraine is hell. Definitely words that caught the attention of those we spoke with that day. The thing is, it is similar for those that love us. This is a beast no one understands. Seeing someone in pain all the time is hard. There has to be some good stuff in between all the hard stuff to nurture that relationship.

What can you do to nurture your relationships?

Ellen, you really did help me. I really want to thank you for taking the time to post all of that! I didn’t think about it as if others’ lives (that are close to me) have been drastically changed as well. And the statement “Breast cancer is easy. Migraine is hell.” realllllly does catch my attention. thank you very much, it’s more appreciated than you know.

I can relate. In my case, it is family. They are all tired of migraines. They are fed up with the restrictions, plan changes, the $$$$ spent on Drs, tests, procedures, and meds. They are tired of worrying, too.
I know what Yvonne means, and I envy her. If I had many friends, instead of the ONE friend who also lives with chronic pain, I would hope they wouldn’t run.

How do you handle a family member who has decided that you aren’t sick? My SIL stopped talking to my husband and I about 5 months ago. She finally met with my husband a few weeks ago and told him she doesn’t think I’m sick and feels that I am “milking the system”. I have suffered from migraines for over 20 years and have not had a single pain-free day in 3.5 years. I am currently on medical disability and was recently awarded social security disability. I am so upset that she has decided to judge me. I spend every day in pain. I, like many of you, take tons of medication, try everything on the market multiple times and just want to feel better. Oh, and I have three young children I am trying to take care of. There’s so much more I want to say, but it would be a novel. Bottom-line, how do you handle family that clearly don’t understand and don’t want to understand? She has really hurt my feelings.

Mrs.T,

Thank you so much for your question. This is such a valuable question here at Migraine.com that I’m writing a blog series about it. I’ll be sure and link here when it is published, but first…

Would you mind sharing with us what have you tried that has not worked?